Answer to a Question
Question:
We read in the Book of Allah (swt) and the Sunnah of His Messenger (saw) about a safe and tranquil marital life... However, these days we observe significant differences in the countries where we live (...) even among dawah carriers. They differ in choosing a place of residence, in treatment toward the husband’s parents, or the wife’s connection to her parents, or visiting the husband’s relatives... and that "the brother-in-law is death"... and thus the discussion continues between the spouses that this is his right or her right, and that is an obligation upon him or an obligation upon her... each of them clings to their opinion, thinking they are in the right according to the Shari‘ah rulings without budging from it...
Is there a word for the spouses, especially if they are among the dawah carriers?
Furthermore, what is the meaning of the noble verse:
وَأْمُرْ أَهْلَكَ بِالصَّلَاةِ وَاصْطَبِرْ عَلَيْهَا لَا نَسْأَلُكَ رِزْقًا نَحْنُ نَرْزُقُكَ وَالْعَاقِبَةُ لِلتَّقْوَى
“And enjoin prayer upon your family [and people] and be steadfast therein. We do not ask you for provision; We provide for you, and the [best] outcome is for [those of] righteousness.” (Surah Taha [20]: 132).
May Allah reward you with goodness.
Answer:
I am surprised by these questions, and even troubled. How can the dawah carriers of this pious and pure dawah, by Allah’s permission, fail in their living, and have rancor and hatred prevail over them instead of affection and loyalty?
Marital life is not rigid numbers, 1+1=2! It is affection, mercy, tranquility, and peace. Those who do not know how to make their marital life one of affection and mercy, as He (swt) said:
وَمِنْ آَيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُمْ مِنْ أَنْفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآَيَاتٍ لِقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Surah Ar-Rum [30]: 21)
These people need lesson after lesson, and exhortation after exhortation, and they might even need punishment! In any case, here are the answers:
1- The answer to all questions regarding marital relationships is:
For husbands, the hadith of the Messenger of Allah (saw): From Aisha (ra), she said: The Messenger of Allah (saw) said:
خَيْرُكُمْ خَيْرُكُمْ لِأَهْلِهِ وَأَنَا خَيْرُكُمْ لِأَهْلِي
“The best of you is the one who is best to his family, and I am the best of you to my family.” (Narrated by At-Tirmidhi and Ibn Majah).
And for wives: From Abu Hurairah (ra) from the Prophet (saw) who said:
لَوْ كُنْتُ آمِرًا أَحَدًا أَنْ يَسْجُدَ لِأَحَدٍ لَأَمَرْتُ الْمَرْأَةَ أَنْ تَسْجُدَ لِزَوْجِهَا
“If I were to command anyone to prostrate to another, I would have commanded the woman to prostrate to her husband.” (Narrated by At-Tirmidhi). And Ibn Majah narrated something similar from Sa‘id ibn al-Musayyib from Aisha (ra).
I repeat that the spouses must realize that the marital relationship is not rigid like a mathematical equation 1+1=2; rather, it is tranquility, peace, affection, and loyalty as He (swt) said:
لِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُمْ مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً
“...that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy.” (Surah Ar-Rum [30]: 21).
The woman must obey her husband and bring joy to his heart, even if it is at the expense of her own comfort. No wise woman says to her husband, "I must obey you, but I have no connection to your parents," because a wise woman realizes that her kindness to his parents is a source of joy for the husband whom she was commanded to please... The Messenger of Allah (saw) says:
مَا اسْتَفَادَ الْمُؤْمِنُ بَعْدَ تَقْوَى اللَّهِ خَيْرًا لَهُ مِنْ زَوْجَةٍ صَالِحَةٍ إِنْ أَمَرَهَا أَطَاعَتْهُ وَإِنْ نَظَرَ إِلَيْهَا سَرَّتْهُ وَإِنْ أَقْسَمَ عَلَيْهَا أَبَرَّتْهُ وَإِنْ غَابَ عَنْهَا نَصَحَتْهُ فِي نَفْسِهَا وَمَالِهِ
“A believer does not benefit, after the fear of Allah, from anything better than a righteous wife: if he commands her, she obeys him; if he looks at her, she pleases him; if he adjures her, she fulfills his oath; and if he is away from her, she is sincere to him regarding herself and his property.” (Narrated by Ibn Majah from Abu Umamah (ra). Abu Dawood narrated something similar from Ibn Abbas).
The husband must treat his wife well and be a good companion to her:
وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ فَإِنْ كَرِهْتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَى أَنْ تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئًا وَيَجْعَلَ اللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيْرًا كَثِيرًا
“And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them - perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.” (Surah An-Nisa [4]: 19).
He should give her her right to good companionship and, at the same time, give his parents their obligatory rights without failing in his kindness to his wife or his duties toward his parents. For He (swt) said:
وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا
“And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment.” (Surah Al-Isra [17]: 23).
وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حُسْنًا
“And We have enjoined upon man goodness to his parents...” (Surah Al-Ankabut [29]: 8).
Abdullah ibn Mas‘ud said: “I asked the Messenger of Allah (saw): ‘O Messenger of Allah, which deed is best?’ He said:
الصَّلَاةُ عَلَى مِيقَاتِهَا قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَيٌّ قَالَ ثُمَّ بِرُّ الْوَالِدَيْنِ قُلْتُ ثُمَّ أَيٌّ قَالَ الْجِهَادُ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ
‘Prayer at its proper time.’ I said: ‘Then what?’ He said: ‘Then kindness to parents.’ I said: ‘Then what?’ He said: ‘Then Jihad in the way of Allah.’” (Narrated by Al-Bukhari).
No wise man prevents his wife from maintaining ties with her parents and relatives; rather, he honors her family and maintains a good relationship with them. In doing so, there is a strengthening of the bonds of marriage and the continuity of good companionship between the spouses. Allah (swt) coupled marriage ties with blood ties when enumerating His signs for people to reflect upon, saying:
أَلَمْ تَرَ إِلَى رَبِّكَ كَيْفَ مَدَّ الظِّلَّ وَلَوْ شَاءَ لَجَعَلَهُ سَاكِنًا ثُمَّ جَعَلْنَا الشَّمْسَ عَلَيْهِ دَلِيلًا
“Have you not considered your Lord - how He extends the shadow, and if He willed, He could have made it stationary? Then We made the sun for it an indication.” (Surah Al-Furqan [25]: 45).
Until He (swt) said:
وَهُوَ الَّذِي مَرَجَ الْبَحْرَيْنِ هَذَا عَذْبٌ فُرَاتٌ وَهَذَا مِلْحٌ أُجَاجٌ وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَهما بَرْزَخًا وَحِجْرًا مَحْجُورًا * وَهُوَ الَّذِي خَلَقَ مِنَ الْمَاءِ بَشَرًا فَجَعَلَهُ نَسَبًا وَصِهْرًا وَكَانَ رَبُّكَ قَدِيرًا
“And it is He who has released [simultaneously] the two seas, one fresh and sweet and one salty and bitter, and He placed between them a barrier and prohibiting partition. And it is He who has created from water a human being and made him [a relative by] lineage and marriage. And ever is your Lord competent.” (Surah Al-Furqan [25]: 53-54).
The pairing of lineage and marriage ties in the context of mentioning the signs of Allah indicates that both have weight and respect, and both are subjects for contemplation and reflection on the greatness and power of the Creator.
This summary is sufficient for any two wise spouses:
إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَذِكْرَى لِمَنْ كَانَ لَهُ قَلْبٌ أَوْ أَلْقَى السَّمْعَ وَهُوَ شَهِيدٌ
“Indeed in that is a reminder for whoever has a heart or who listens while he is present [in mind].” (Surah Qaf [50]: 37).
And whoever is not satisfied by a summary will not benefit from further explanation or detail.
2- As for the other questions that are not the core of the marital relationship but are related to it:
a- The topic of the hamu (husband’s male relatives) and that it is "death," as mentioned in the hadith of the Messenger (saw) narrated by Al-Bukhari and Muslim from Uqbah ibn Amir that the Messenger of Allah (saw) said:
إِيَّاكُمْ وَالدُّخُولَ عَلَى النِّسَاءِ فَقَالَ: رَجُلٌ مِنْ الْأَنْصَارِ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ أَفَرَأَيْتَ الْحَمْوَ قَالَ الْحَمْوُ الْمَوْتُ
“Beware of entering upon women.” A man from the Ansar said: “O Messenger of Allah, what about the hamu?” He said: “The hamu is death.”
This applies if the wife’s husband or a mahram is not with her... and it was a forbidden seclusion (khalwah) with the hamu. The hamu refers to the husband's relatives who are not mahrams to the wife, such as the husband's brother, his cousin, etc. As for the husband’s father, although linguistically he is among the ahma', he is not included in this hadith because he is a mahram to the wife. The entry of the ahma' upon women in seclusion is described as "death" in the hadith as an exaggeration of its prohibition.
However, in the presence of the husband or a mahram of the woman, there is nothing wrong with what the Shari‘ah has permitted, such as maintaining ties of kinship and gathering for meals. What is forbidden is khalwah. Ibn Hajar says in Fath al-Bari when explaining the aforementioned hadith:
“...His saying ‘What about the hamu?’ Ibn Wahb added in his narration in Muslim: ‘I heard Al-Layth saying the hamu is the husband's brother and similar relatives of the husband, like the cousin and the like.’ It occurred in At-Tirmidhi after the narration of the hadith: ‘At-Tirmidhi said: It is said it is the husband's brother... He said: The meaning of the hadith is similar to what was narrated: "No man should be alone with a woman, for indeed the third of them is Shaytan."’” End quote.
Similar to this is the hadith regarding al-mughibat (women whose husbands are away), narrated by Ahmad and At-Tirmidhi from Jabir from the Prophet (saw) who said:
لَا تَلِجُوا عَلَى الْمُغِيبَاتِ فَإِنَّ الشَّيْطَانَ يَجْرِي مِنْ أَحَدِكُمْ مَجْرَى الدَّمِ
“Do not enter upon those women whose husbands are absent (al-mughibat), for Shaytan flows through one of you as blood flows.”
So the subject of the hamu and the prohibition of his entry is when there is khalwah, meaning neither her husband nor a mahram is present. Likewise, entering upon a woman whose husband is away. The subject is seclusion. In the presence of the husband or a mahram, it is permissible to visit her husband’s relatives. Strengthening the bond between a man and his wife’s family, and between a woman and her husband’s family... all of that is permissible as long as it is in accordance with the Shari‘ah rulings.
b- The woman’s residence follows her husband’s. Wherever her husband lives, she must live with him as long as the housing provides her a decent life according to the husband's means and capacity. She is not allowed to impose the location of the house he lives in; rather, she may reach an understanding with him kindly to determine the place of residence, but the final decision belongs to him. She must live with him where he lives:
أَسْكِنُوهُنَّ مِنْ حَيْثُ سَكَنْتُمْ مِنْ وُجْدِكُمْ
“Lodge them [in a section] of where you dwell out of your means...” (Surah At-Talaq [65]: 6).
The verse is regarding divorced women during their waiting period (iddah), and it explains the right of the divorced woman during iddah to housing where her husband who divorced her lives. By greater reasoning, this applies to wives as well, i.e., the right to housing. The meaning of “where you dwell” refers to the place where you live, as “where” (haythu) is an adverb of place, and “out of your means” (min wujdikum) means according to your capacity and ability.
Her requesting a divorce from him if he does not house her where she wants is a matter contrary to Shari‘ah, as long as the residence is suitable, safe, and contains no Shari‘ah violations... and is within the husband's means...
c- It is forbidden for a husband to prevent his wife from maintaining ties with her parents, because maintaining ties with parents is an obligation on both men and women. It is not an obligation on men alone, as the address is general for both. He (saw) said:
لا يدخل الجنة قاطع رحم
“He who severs ties of kinship will not enter Paradise.” (Narrated by Muslim via Jubayr ibn Mut‘im). "Severs ties" (qati‘ rahim) is an indefinite noun in the context of negation, so it is a general term encompassing both men and women. Accordingly, just as it is an obligation for a man to maintain ties with his parents, it is also an obligation for a woman to maintain ties with her parents. Therefore, if a husband prevents his wife from maintaining ties with her parents, he is sinful, and if we verify this, an administrative penalty will be taken against him.
The husband must facilitate the connection between the woman and her parents in a way that does not conflict with her attention to her husband and home. This is an easy matter for wise, God-fearing, and pure husbands... As for those husbands who make a problem out of maintaining ties of kinship, they are not of the character of this dawah which is sincere to Allah (swt) and truthful to His Messenger (saw).
d- As for the noble verse:
وَأْمُرْ أَهْلَكَ بِالصَّلَاةِ وَاصْطَبِرْ عَلَيْهَا لَا نَسْأَلُكَ رِزْقًا نَحْنُ نَرْزُقُكَ وَالْعَاقِبَةُ لِلتَّقْوَى
“And enjoin prayer upon your family [and people] and be steadfast therein. We do not ask you for provision; We provide for you, and the [best] outcome is for [those of] righteousness.” (Surah Taha [20]: 132).
Meaning: Dedicate yourself along with your family to the worship of Allah and prayer; do not worry about provision and livelihood, for We are your provider. We do not ask you to provide for yourself or your family. So concern yourself with obedience to Allah and command your family to do so, and know that the good end is for the people of piety (taqwa).
Malik narrated in his Muwatta from Zayd ibn Aslam from his father that Umar ibn al-Khattab used to pray during the night as much as Allah willed, until when it was the end of the night, he would wake his family for prayer, saying to them: “The prayer, the prayer!” then he would recite this verse: “And enjoin prayer upon your family [and people] and be steadfast therein. We do not ask you for provision; We provide for you, and the [best] outcome is for [those of] righteousness.”
Allah (swt) mentioned in the verse “wastabir ‘alayha” (be steadfast therein), which has a stronger connotation than “wasbir ‘alayha” because an increase in the structure of the word (wastabir) implies an increase in meaning. This means diligence and exertion in this matter, and intense patience over the difficulties one encounters in reforming his family and himself by staying away from the Fire and what brings one closer to it in terms of deeds. And Allah is the protector of the righteous.
It is appropriate on this occasion to remember the noble verse:
يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آَمَنُوا قُوا أَنْفُسَكُمْ وَأَهْلِيكُمْ نَارًا وَقُودُهَا النَّاسُ وَالْحِجَارَةُ عَلَيْهَا مَلَائِكَةٌ غِلَاظٌ شِدَادٌ لَا يَعْصُونَ اللَّهَ مَا أَمَرَهُمْ وَيَفْعَلُونَ مَا يُؤْمَرُون
“O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, over which are [appointed] angels, harsh and severe; they do not disobey Allah in what He commands them but do what they are commanded.” (Surah At-Tahrim [66]: 6).
“Protect yourselves and your families from a Fire” means keep yourselves and your families (“your wives and children...”) away from the Fire by obeying Allah (swt), enjoining what is good and forbidding what is evil, learning the rulings of your Deen and teaching them to your families, and refining their upbringing and discipline according to the Shari‘ah rulings. So command them with prayer, fasting, zakat, Hajj, and all other rulings...